Grief. It’s how I imagine a relationship with Lady Gaga would be. Unpredictable and ultimately very wearisome.
Last week I testified to feeling the brittle rays of happiness seeping into my being. And to a degree, they continue to permeate, but these last two nights I have been caught out by a familiar sinking in my guts.
This generally happens when I’m sober and alone, and make the foolish mistake of reflecting on my missing Love, or looking through the remaining documentary evidence of our life together.
Last night I found myself browsing photographs on my computer. Some of them were close-ups of Mark, where I could make out the individual strands of gingery hair in His sideburns, the minuscule pocks in His skin. I came to the end of the selection and realised, like the last of His DNA (which is stored, for some reason, in a fridge in Salisbury), that the pictures are finite.
My back catalogue stops on a snow-covered walk a week before He died. And on that very last picture, He is seen plodding protectively behind our daughter, who has gone from toddling pain in the arse to celestial little girl in the two years since His death.
I have likened my experience of grief to many things on this blog, from a monkey riding a pig to Dave Myers’ hair. Today’s clunky analogy is of grief as an anglerfish – that duplicitous deep-sea gargoyle which lulls its prey into a false sense of security by emitting a soothing light, only to consume the hapless bastard the minute it starts to relax.
Like I said, unpredictable and wearisome.
It’s enough to make you Gaga.
Wife After Death 
dear Lucie,
gaga – fits so well with all the unforeseen pits we can fall into, snatched and shaken just as we try something so innocent like looking at photos of our loved ones. then, don’t you wonder if you should just slog through it, or never, ever try again? photos I came across this year at Christmas time (one of Hugh wearing a Santa hat and the biggest, brightest smile – he was looking at our grandchildren when it was snapped) made my heart physically hurt. maybe the answer is somewhere in between – face those sort of things in small doses when we don’t feel so vulnerable, take baby steps, breathe…I’m thinking I might be able to look at that C’mas photo by Easter – god help me if I should come across His sweet face beaming under bunny ears just before the egg hunt. sounds all-out of sequencey – just like the unpredictable timing of that sneaky bastard, grief.
much love and light to you, Deat Friend,
Karen xoxo
Photos are a curse and a blessing in equal measure aren’t they? We can look at our beloved any time we want, but they are never going to get any older than on the last picture we have of them. That is pretty devastating. Wishing you much love Karen, and thanks for commenting. Xxx
Oh Lucie when I read your post on happiness creeping in I thought great. Good news for you and hope for me that in a years time I may feel different to now. Sometimes I actually feel as though times are getting better but then i feel as tho I’m thrown back in time when I least expect it. There are times when I’m not even thinkin about him when suddenly a memory of our past just looms into view and I fall apart. As time goes on I find it harder to show my grief as I feel people around me are thinking ‘she’s getting better now it’s been a year!’ So I find myself trying to be jolly and people have stopped asking how I am and that hurts as I feel they think I’m ok now. Or are they just tip toeing around me testing the water. I don’t know. I’m just hanging on in there. Hope you are too Much love xxx
People like to put timescales on your grief, don’t they, commensurate with how they think they’d be feeling, or how they think you should be grieving. Fuck em. I’m still thinking of you and know how much it still hurts. Much love Lynne, and courage. Xxx
Hi, I found your blog through totally4women, which I found through the DM (apply any acronym that applies, grrrr!) I’m not bereaved – though I have a male friend who lost his wife a month ago and I’ll be passing this on to him. The reason for my comment is just to “big up” your writing, in fact. I’ve got tons to do today (but I work alone, hence my being on non-work sites). I should be doing something else – but thought I should take the time out to show some appreciation. Keep on keeping on! Regards, Emily
Wow, many thanks for stopping in with such a warm and supportive message! So sorry to hear about your friend, tell him to get in touch if he feels ready. Now get back to work!!! 😉 and thank you again. Xx
Well.. we said there would be a few Snakes …
Coming at this as i do from the perspective of a grown up child of a person this happend to a long time ago i think there is a predicatability you have to accept. I’m sure there is not a day goes by that my mother doesn’t think of my father and we are talking 50 years ago.
Over the years it doesn’t upset her so much but even now she will shed a tear.
Perhaps friends and family need to be educated that they are going to need a lot of patience when dealing with someone this happens to. To be fair, most of them don’t know what to do , say or expect so you need to be grateful they are at least there and trying,
Keep throwing the dice. There will be a ladder soon!
Did your mother lose your father at a young age? Did you know your father? (Sorry to pry, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to – I’m just really interested to hear about this from a child’s perspective. Want to have an insight as to what I might face with my daughter, or what she may go through in years to come.) I do think I’ll cry for Him forever. Perhaps not every day, or every week, but He’ll always be a big part of my life. And it’s true what you say about friends and family – most of them don’t know what to say, hell I don’t know what to say, why would they? Here’s to that ladder… x
My Mother was 25 and I was three weeks old so I never knew him. By the time I was six I had a stepfather but it obviously took a few years after that to be even aware that I didn’t have a ‘natural’ father.
After that being a boy as well, i’m not sure I will have any great insights into how your daughter will turn out as it depends on so many things that may or may not happen.
Since you obviously love her and care for her I don’t think she will go far wrong!
Thanks for sharing that with me anyway. Always good to see another perspective. Wishing you all the very best, and thanks for commenting. Lucie. X