Lost in Translation


Mirth and marriage

Here is the problem with admitting that you may be beginning to feel the gentle rays of happiness in your life again after the sudden and untimely death of your spouse:

You say: “I may be beginning to feel the gentle rays of happiness in my life again after the sudden and untimely death of my spouse.”

People’s internal Google-translate hears: “I am over my husband’s death and have finally moved on! Dig your wet-look leggings out of the wardrobe and let’s have a P.A.R.T.Y.!”

So I’m relying on you to turn your Google-translate off and really listen to the words I am saying.

I may be beginning to feel the gentle rays of happiness in my life again after the sudden and untimely death of my spouse.

Who knew, right?

I didn’t think the word ‘happiness’ would enter my lexicon again, but there it is, nestling in nicely alongside those old stalwarts, ‘misery’ and ‘devastation’, with its jaunty double, double consonants.

Perhaps I didn’t give the New Year enough credit for its capacity for ‘renewal’, but the further I edge into 2014, the more determined I feel to start living again.

It is almost two years since Mark died, and it feels like both a lifetime and the blink of an eye. But what would He say if He thought I were still here, stymied by grief, feeling guilty about making the next move?

“Haway, man, Pet,” He’d say. (You may refer to Google translate here).

Don’t get too excited, mind. This does not mean the ache goes away, nor the tears, nor the moments of worthlessness. In fact, I may be back to square one tomorrow.

Today though, I think what it means is that the grief and the trauma have taken enough. I just want to be happy.

22 thoughts on “Lost in Translation

  1. Lovely to read about some glimmers of hope, darling. So many people want you to be happy (whatever that actually means), which is I suppose why the Google- translate kicks in at times…wishful thinking?

    Just for the record though, I would never, ever, suggest you don a pair of wet-look leggings. Happy, sad – there’s no excuse.

    Watt X

  2. So good to hear there are little glimmers. We all know its not a one way direction to HAPPINESS and the little glimmers peak out and retreat back and peak out a little more and retreat back again. So you don’t have to keep up any false gaiety here – but still it is lovely to hear.

    • Well it’s always the risk saying you feel lighter in spirit, as we all know it can come crashing down without warning, but you’re right, I suppose I need to view them like little glimmers which retreat then show themselves again, getting brighter each time. Thanks lovely, for your comment and for reading. X

  3. dear Lucie,

    I am so glad you are feeling glimpses of shifts towards wanting to be happy. no matter if you return to square one – grief will takes us where we need to go. but the shifts offer so much hope, don’t they. just knowing you feel the desire to be happy is such a gift – it opens the door to possibilities, and even if we think we haven’t moved beyond square one, there are the in between times when we can be encouraged and see we really have progressed. I will hold you up into the highest light of hope and send you…

    much love and light to help you find your way,

    Karen xoxoxo

    • Thank you for the ‘torchlight’, writing this blog and garnering the support of people like you has helped immeasurably in getting me to a point where I can admit to feelings of happiness, however transient. I feel incredibly blessed to have such an amazing support network. It is gratifying too to see how far one has come, even when one thinks one hasn’t moved at all some days! Love love love x

  4. ‘Square one’? I hope its not too trivial to liken a journey from bereavement with a game of Snakes & Ladders but the simple truth of that game is everyone finishes eventually as long as they keep throwing the dice. There will be ups and downs on the way but its good to hear you’ve got to a stage where you feel like throwing a few dice. I wish you lots of ‘sixes’.

    • I actually think that’s a brilliant analogy, it is exactly like snakes and ladders; climbing long and hard, only to arrive at the snake, with its quick and unforgiving descent. I’m striving for the sixes. Thank you. XX

  5. Hear! Hear! It will be 2 years for me in July and am feeling still miserable about what’s happened..but kinda getting used to it. Things no better, but finally finding it easier to cope. So glad to hear you are feeling gentle rays of happiness. Anyone thinking this means you are “over it” isn’t worth even one bit of concern. Keep the wet look leggings for “partying” with people who are much more supportive.

    Hope you have enjoyed your positive day and here’s hoping there will be many more of them.


    • Thanks so much Zoe. I am aware the rays could change to clouds at any time, but may as well bask in ’em while I can. And that’s what it’s about I think – getting used to it, rather than ‘accepting’ or any other gubbins. We get used to it because we have no choice. Sending you some rays too. X

  6. **+*relief+*+* pours over my worried soul..glad to hear this tone of optimism…I was wondering if I needed o come over there and hunt you down or send out a posse…lol. Hugs, CJ

  7. This is just so… nice, to see, truly. I hope you can make the most of this positivity while it lasts – from my experiences I find bereavement is a very unpredictable weather, but this seems like a big step in your getting to grips with it (I won’t say ‘healing’). The best wishes!

    • Hello you! Lovely to hear from you, with such supportive and comforting words, as ever. Yes, I can’t help but feel an uneasiness about this current bout of ‘dry’ weather, but I guess it’s as the old cliche goes, ‘one day at a time’. Still check in with your work regularly, you are super talented. X

      • Hello 🙂 thanks so much for your equally lovely and supportive comments! Always great to hear people are still popping over. It’s also nice to know I’m not coming across a patronising git. I hope you’re having a pleasant weekend. x

  8. You are a brave, corageous and honest person…which is why i let you keep an eye on my bag whilst i went to pee in KL airport all those years ago. Love you xxxx

    • Darling,I would look after your bag anytime!!! Thanks for reading and commenting from all the way over there. Love is definitely getting through, despite the oceans and hours…hoping all is good with you. Much much love x

  9. Soz back again. Fuck me yes this is so bang on the money. I remember mowing one day about 2 1/2 years after and it suddenly struck me that I was content, I wasn’t happy but nor was I devastated. I was still frequently gripped by times of crippling grief but in general terms I was content. I began to feel the ship settling on an even keel and felt that perhaps, just maybe it might be possible that with a following wind and reliable tides etc etc the new me might be settling down towards becoming three dimensional rather than its previous one dimensional version – not sure if it did though!

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