Despite the claims of my horoscope and Zara’s Spring wardrobe, 2014 has thus far offered nothing in the way of transcendental change. My husband is still dead. I’m beginning to think He always will be.
The festive season has been and gone, thank god, and I must send a shout out to those stalwarts who supported me through it.
It remains, however, a bloated turkey fart of a fortnight and I have come to the conclusion that it will never be the same again. The LED-lit jollity was bad enough when He was alive. Now it represents a poxy string of lights flashing around an empty wallet and an even emptier heart.
On the positive side, my daughter got the present of her dreams (yes, Santa delivered on the shitting plastic dachshund), and I was provided with evidence yet again – if any were needed – of the impenetrable nature of my human safety net. No matter how much shit I throw at these people, they just won’t leave me alone.
Over the festive fortnight they persisted in being there whenever my mood plummeted, armed with a salmon nibbly bit or a nice portion of Christmas pud. They sent me texts to let me know they were ‘thinking of me’. Even when I was hiding behind the settee at the strike of midnight at New Year, they sniffed me out and force-fed me champagne until I stopped crying.
And I logged into the blog to find messages of love from the ether too. People I don’t even know who wanted to say they were rooting for me.
Whilst I still enter 2014 with a heavy heart, it is comforting to know there are so many people out there who are prepared to take on some of the weight.
So thank you – and here’s to a Happier New Year?
12 thoughts on “Status report 2014: Husband still dead”
Hey, what are friends for?! ‘Twas good having you here… Even if you did take the piss out of my Xmas day outfit! X
I hope you have now rid your wardrobe of that abomination. It did provide a much needed belly laugh, however. So perhaps keep it for next time, old friend…love you. X
there aren’t enough words to say thank god the holidays are OVER! I am so glad you had such a gaggle of good, loving friends to help see you through; a good reminder that you are loved and being held close to many hearts (including mine). love you.
much love and light,
I too am very glad its all over, I religiously read your blog and it constantly fills me with a feeling of “at least I am not alone” you make me smile, sometimes even a wry giggle, your honest and forthright way of saying just exactly what I am feeling is amazing.
This was my first year alone, and it was hard! I was forced to be around family when i just wanted to hide, and i forced myself to have family with me at new year, again wishing i had been alone. I had a cry at midnight, and although i was asked if i was “alright” there was no hugging, i think they just didn’t know how to react.
Thank you for being able to write about your feelings, you really are amazing and you help others in so many ways by sharing your grieving with us.
Eee what a lovely comment, thank you, I hope it does raise a giggle, as we need that more than anyone I think. I won’t go into platitudes about ‘the first year’ because it’s horseshit, the first year is just the first year of many without our beloveds, but I’m glad you got through it in one piece. Thank you for sharing your grief with me. XX
A gaggle of good friends indeed, real and virtual! thank u Karen. Love and light to you. (love that!) XX
I did think about you during Christmas. I was going to reply to your post just before but I’m ashamed to say I couldn’t think of anything to say that didn’t sound feeble when I read it back. So it is good to know you survived and friends supported you.
I’ve been a cynic about Christmas for a long time. Especially now I get slippers instead of plastic dachshund’s. Perhaps it is because as you say most of us stuff our faces and forget everything else. Maybe you and your friends actually got back to some real meaning with sharing house and love with those going through a bad time?
Thanks for having me in your thoughts, it means a lot. Actually, I think I’ve been a cynic about Xmas for a while too, seems so based in greed and the insatiable need to ‘acquire’ things, so yes, this year was nice in that respect. I got slippers too…;) XX
Gads, I was worrying over ya! I am glad to know you came back to write again. Hugs, CJ
Oh yes, here too! I checked back daily to see if there was a post and couldnt help but worry!
I feel vaguely ridiculous (and possibly stalkerish) to have taken someone I dont know so much into my thoughts, but I your writing holds so much raw emotion, and gallows humour, that you have touched a chord, even though I am not a widow.
I know when my husband had cancer, even the briefest of messages letting me know that someone out there had us in their thoughts, helped me to get through the darkest times, and it is with that in mind that I throw caution to the wind and put myself forward as a crazy lady on the internetz 😉
A shitting Dachshound though?! I must go and look on youtube to see this miracle of modern toymastership in action!
How lovely is that? Seriously, I’m so grateful for you, my crazy lady on the internet, as you say, even the briefest of messages can bolster you for the day in these situations. And you’ve bolstered me for today, so thanks! Yes, check out the shitting daschund, its totally repulsive and she lost interest in it within about 3 hours…the joy of Christmas goes on!! XX
Ha! I know, I hadn’t realised it had been so long! I missed ya! x