Fuck Off
According to Andy Williams “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!”
Does Andy really believe that shit? If he does, he’s never been bereaved.
The festive season seems to twerk before me like a tinsel-strewn Miley Cyrus, a twinkling reminder that I am facing the second year without my husband.
Pre-death of beloved spouse, I hadn’t fully appreciated the couple-centric bent of the season. Now it seems to exist solely to taunt me: Endless rows of socks and soap-on-a-rope in the ‘what to buy for Dad’ sections, Iceland ads featuring fluorescent-toothed families enjoying quality time together, Mariah Carey, Nativity plays (yet another bloody happy couple), Christmas couples drinkies, mistletoe, Mariah Carey…it begins in October and twerks obscenely into January, ending just in time for Mark’s birthday on the 4th.
The decision, therefore, is whether to beat ’em or join ’em.
So I have decided to flip the bird to the season. I am not sending cards, I am not buying presents, on the day itself I’m going to my friend’s house to get shitfaced. I am the Grinch, and I’m twerking before Christmas.
My one concession has been the erection of a small spruce in the corner of the dining room. But even the simple task of decorating it seemed leaden with pathos. What was once an exciting part of the Yuletide schedule was reduced to fifteen lacklustre minutes of my daughter and me grappling with lights, extricating baubles, dusting off stockings.
In the end, my daughter wrapped the tree almost entirely in tinsel and now it seems to leer at me like some kind of camp Dalek reminding me once again that it is ‘the most wonderful time of the year’.
Most torturous time of the year more like.
Wife After Death 
“camp Dalek”
Heh heh!
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Had never noticed all the twee, schmaltzy Xmas adverts before now. No wonder people get disappointed when their Xmases don’t turn out like the Sainsbury’s ad. Will need to stick to watching the bbc until it’s all over I think.
Usually go to my sister’s for Xmas, but she wants to do something different because my nephew became really ill last Xmas day. (Don’t follow her logic but wtf). The fact that I may want to cancel the whole thing hasn’t featured at all. So, instead of going from Xmas eve till Boxing Day, I’m appearing for the meal and then going home where I shall hibernate with wine, chocolate and DVDs and sod what anyone else thinks. I will think about you on the day and raise a glass to kindred spirits.
Do love the idea of a camp dalek tho – made me laugh. Xx
I shall be thinking of you too my friend. I hope you have company on tap if you need it though. Much much love x
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Could not agree more. Thinking of you. xx
And you friend. Thank you. Xx
i have been dreading the holidays since May when Hugh died. it’s made me so out of my mind that i am actually looking forward to starting chemo this Wednesday – a totally insane and weird diversion, if you will. heaven, or whatever fates may be listening, help us for where our heads go to escape from the grief. just let me alone, all you foul and damned continuously cheery music, you hateful Merry wishes, you ugly travesties of winking lights, and wreaths and velvet bows, and the Christmas tree in my living room, a gift from my children and grandchildren i accepted only to console them in their own grief. i try not to look at it, even as i water it each day – bad, bad move as i keep missing the mark and pouring at least 2 quarts onto the hardwood floor. goddammit. well, at least we have one another to cling to and share love and understanding through this most noxious of seasons. i just hope when they are all over with we will be allowed to enjoy a huge sigh of relief, even if short lived as more and more holidays cascade onto new year calendars. ARGH – VALENTINES DAY!!! more chemo – please????
much love and (i hesitate here) light – er, NOT the horrid holiday kind,
Karen xoxoxo
I can’t imagine how you must be feeling Karen, facing the prospect of chemo tomorrow. The fact that you are looking forward to it as a distraction though is so sad, yet symptomatic of the hideous grip of grief. Anything for a reprieve, right? I will be thinking of you. Please report back and let us all send you love once you’ve come out the other side. Love and strength. XX
Iz passed away on the 18th of Dec, which is sucky ’cause whilst everyone at college is getting excited for Christmas, I’ll most likely be curled on the floor feeling sorry for myself.
Each year ’round gets easier, so I suppose that’s more comforting than the weather.
And besides, if you feel really crap, you can always lavish in calorific food and alcohol – because it’s Christmas!
Jokes aside, sending lots of love xx
No, jokes are good Missus! They keep me going!! Sorry to hear of your loss – a doubly awful reason to hate Xmas. Let’s tuck into a pile of mince pies whilst thinking of each other at this wonderful time of the year! Love to you. XXX
Thank you for saying it like it is. Christmas can bugger right off this year.
Everyone is raving about the Sainsbury’s advert where the kids want their Dad home for Christmas from the army… boy that advert hurts!
I’m with you all the way,. no Christmas cards sent and any that arrive are going in the bin, sorry for any disrespect to those that sent them!
I hurt like hell at the moment and I agree… shit-faced sounds good!
I know you’re hurting, I’m subscribed to your blog and read every post my friend. Let’s make sure we raise a glass to each other on the 25th. And another, and another… lots of love. x