Public Toilet (Photo credit: ilovebutter)
This blog used to be all about shits n’ giggles.
You know; drinking beyond excess. Frolicking with the Plumber like a reckless youth. Buying loads of ‘things’. The comedic potential of dog ownership. A right old barrel o’ laughs.
I’ve noticed, and also had it pointed out, that it’s become increasingly maudlin as time has gone on. I assure you, it ain’t intentional. It seems to be the way grief is leading me. The first few months were like, whoah! What the fuck is going on here? Suddenly, from being in a relationship with the love of my life for ten years, (married for five), I am, for all intents and purposes, single.
What does this mean?
He’s not here, that’s what it means. And I can do whatever, or whomever I want! I don’t have to ‘check’ if I can go out with the girls for a night. I don’t have to ‘run it by Him’ if I want to go away for the weekend. I can sleep with whomever I choose, without explanation. I can spend money on whatever I want, (He never would have agreed to half the shit I’ve bought since He died). I can now make decisions about my daughter’s future singularly, without having to seek a second opinion.
In short, it’s back to ME, ME, ME. Freedom, George Michael-style. (With the exception of that unfortunate public toilet debacle.)
But actually. Erm. I don’t like it. The ‘fun’ is over.
You can come back now, love…Love? Love?
Wife After Death 
Again !!! Mirror of my thoughts. !! The amount of shit I’ve bought too! I felt as tho I was on a mission to spend all the time. I said to the kids I’m so sick of stayin in for deliveries! So they said ‘well stop orderin things’. I don’t know what it is ? Company of delivery men? Maybe I should arrange to have everything taken back so I get some more company for a short while. Again the idea of being able to do what I want without running it passed Ian first (novelty value) I bought clothes without Ian saying ‘you already have the same thing in a different colour’ But now i think the same as you. I’m done !! It’s not fun anymore ‘come home’ I’m lonely. I’m sick of drinking alone ….. I’m at Rachael’s tomorrow lunchtime If you can make it. We can hug it out xx
Lynne I reckon it’s a case of trying to fill the void, it’s the temporary high a purchase can bring, it’s the ‘whoah, that new picture looks AMAZING, it’ll help me forget the fact that the love of my life has died for a few hours whilst I look upon it!’ But that is exactly what it is – temporary – and at the end of the day, the void is never going to filled. Sorry I missed you today. I would really like to get together soon. Big, big love. X
Wish you could get away…come on out. It could be a new adventure for you. Wish we weren’t half the world apart. I think a total change of scenery would be wonderful for you. Take some of that ‘mad money’ and stash it…come see California before it is completely tarnished and chatting up Donald Duck requires an English translator…lol
Is Donald Duck single? I thought he was shagging Daisy Duck – is that all over???? But seriously…thank you, you are so kind and I know you mean it. I’ll have a look at boat crossings…XXX