If You Died I’d.

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The two loves of my life, six days before the big one died.

Cardiac surgeons! How come Eddie Large (20 stone and aged 72) lives on and prospers ten years after a heart transplant, whereas the love of my life foundered three years after aortic reconstruction surgery aged 37?

Answers in plain English on the back of a postcard please.

I became aware of Eddie’s death-dodging triumph tonight whilst watching – well, not watching, exactly, staring dumbly at – All Star Mr and Mrs. Ever seen it before? Me neither. I wish I’d never tuned in.

The premise hasn’t changed for a hundred years, only the prize (it’s gone from carriage clock to charity donation) and the calibre of the contestants (formerly members of the public, now people who were famous but are back to being members of the public again.)

Eddie Large and his wife Patsy – er – Large came stumbling onto the stage (no really, they did, Eddie tripped) and announced the startling transplant news. Happy though I was for Eddie, I couldn’t help feeling affronted. What’s his secret?

The show went from bad to worse, as VTs of the three happy couples showed them all at home, fluorescent-toothed and in love, kissing in slo-mo and telling the public how they couldn’t live without the other.

“I can’t imagine life without him,” said Yvette Fielding of her husband Wotzizname.

“I can’t talk about how wonderful she is, otherwise I’ll just fill up,” said Eddie of Patsy.

And who can blame them? I feel the same about my husband. I couldn’t, and can’t, imagine life without Him. I can’t talk about how wonderful He is and was without filling up.

I feel resentful, though, that other couples still have the luxury of only imagining the worst. I feel resentful that Eddie survived what my husband could not. This is a selfish, reproachful and childish response, I know, but there it is.

We used to say to each other, M and I, the line from Lemn Sissay’s Love Poem: If you died I’d.

He did, but I haven’t. I feel selfish about that too.

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6 thoughts on “If You Died I’d.

  1. and here is a perfect example of mirror thoughts. I didn’t watch the programme but id have been thinking the same. I feel anger at stuff like this or is it bitterness as they don’t feel the pain of losing their loved one or even comprehend the thought of it, not that I want them to because I suppose before my loss I may have been saying the same thing. I remember coming home from hospital appointments after another kick in the gut, just cuddling him crying saying I cant possibly live my life without you and yet here I am doing just that, although some days I’m not sure whether its living or just surviving. I just miss him so much (my drinking partner) xx

    • Thisis the thing – before my loss I did say the same thing – how would I cope without you – but as you say, here we are coping. That state of limbo between living and surviving is an odd one too, completely understand what you mean. Eyes down…Keep going…XX

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