Meep meep!


Look out! Acme anvil!
(picture credit:

I’ve started smoking again.

Strictly other people’s fags though – I wouldn’t dream of buying any of my own. (Have you SEEN the price of a pack of Marlboros?)

So essentially, I’m smoking on the odd occasion when I go out and find someone who is smoking, and who is prepared to give me a cigarette.

Hardly anyone smokes anymore though, with even fewer being prepared to share a commodity which costs more per ounce than solid gold, so I’m averaging about one cigarette a month.

If I’m honest, I don’t even like it. It tastes like shit and turns my brain into a waltzer. But! I can add it to the checklist of Reckless Things to do Since Sudden Death of Beloved Husband, and that is its one redeeming feature.

I find that I have stagnated at a confusing intersection on this journey. I am terrified of boarding a plane for fear of dying, yet I’m beating my liver into submission on a nightly basis with red wine. I catastrophise the potential for danger in EVERYTHING my daughter does (Look out! Falling Acme anvil!), yet feel like fucking the first man I meet.

In short, I am wilfully tap-dancing around the edge of oblivion and at the same time I’m scared shitless of my own shadow.

To an extent, I have always had this contradiction in my personality. But since M’s death, the two extremes have polarised further to a point where sometimes, I think I have regressed to my University days – the ones in which I would drunkenly ambush the lead singer of every band who played the Union and insist on taking over the mike. (Cringe!)

Anyway. Enough of this shit. My alter-ego wants to know if she can borrow one of your cigarettes?

6 thoughts on “Meep meep!

  1. Hey…I have been a ‘real’ smoker since I was 15…when somebody innocently approaches with that sheepish grin, I know what they are going to ask…and I am always prepared with my response: I’m sorry…did you ask me if I had an “extra” cigarette? Then I show my sheepish grin…and say….”Wow, dude…I am SO sorry, I sure DO NOT! In fact, I have never been lucky enough to get a pack with MORE than 20 in it.”
    The look on their faces is…so odd….like they are thinking,’ WTF?!’ It takes a second or two and then they can’t help but laugh and tell me how clever that line was…sometimes I will let them even actually have the cig…but I always tell folks that my “premium” tobacco Benson & Hedges Menthols (made by the Marlboro factory) cost nearly $8.00 USD a pack. I tell them if they cannot furnish their own smoking materials (because they almost always need a light after bumming the cig) then they don’t need to smoke..that they don’t have the addiction, quit while its early.
    I know, you are thinking I might be a mean old bitch, and actually you would be half right…just a mean bitch who gets a real kick out of messing with the minds of the dum-dums who dare to approach me in the first place….LOL!
    Hey but in Queensland, AU I ran out of cigs before the trip was over and nearly fell over when I was told I owed $16 for a pack of “Alpines”…BUT…I discovered that the pack had 10 EXTRA cigarettes in it!
    Kid, don’t start up, ok? Stick to a nice Reisling or Merlot.

    • Heh heh. I actually bought a packet of my own fags for a gig this weekend though. (£8.20!!!! That must be about $16 USD, no?) Felt guilty I guess, but also full of self-loathing after I’d finished them. I fully intend to stick to the vino. Especially with smokers like you out there 😉

      • Oh my! You mean, I ‘guilted’ you into being a real smoker? Wow. That’s a lotta dough for a nasty, guilty pleasure…yes, I agree, stick to the wine!

  2. As a reformed smoker myself, I have zero tolerance for the evil weed. But if it’s something you gotta do, do it. Hopefully it will be a phase in your grieving process and not leave you with a lasting addiction. As for the wine, well….I can relate. We all struggle with the balance between living on the edge and staying healthy. Santé!

  3. Stopped for twenty years, now don’t give a shit, stupid, tempting providence, soooo down, five years, gets worse, when does it get better ?…. ever!…..

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