Look out! Acme anvil!
(picture credit: http://www.rankopedia.com
I’ve started smoking again.
Strictly other people’s fags though – I wouldn’t dream of buying any of my own. (Have you SEEN the price of a pack of Marlboros?)
So essentially, I’m smoking on the odd occasion when I go out and find someone who is smoking, and who is prepared to give me a cigarette.
Hardly anyone smokes anymore though, with even fewer being prepared to share a commodity which costs more per ounce than solid gold, so I’m averaging about one cigarette a month.
If I’m honest, I don’t even like it. It tastes like shit and turns my brain into a waltzer. But! I can add it to the checklist of Reckless Things to do Since Sudden Death of Beloved Husband, and that is its one redeeming feature.
I find that I have stagnated at a confusing intersection on this journey. I am terrified of boarding a plane for fear of dying, yet I’m beating my liver into submission on a nightly basis with red wine. I catastrophise the potential for danger in EVERYTHING my daughter does (Look out! Falling Acme anvil!), yet feel like fucking the first man I meet.
In short, I am wilfully tap-dancing around the edge of oblivion and at the same time I’m scared shitless of my own shadow.
To an extent, I have always had this contradiction in my personality. But since M’s death, the two extremes have polarised further to a point where sometimes, I think I have regressed to my University days – the ones in which I would drunkenly ambush the lead singer of every band who played the Union and insist on taking over the mike. (Cringe!)
Anyway. Enough of this shit. My alter-ego wants to know if she can borrow one of your cigarettes?
Wife After Death 
Hey…I have been a ‘real’ smoker since I was 15…when somebody innocently approaches with that sheepish grin, I know what they are going to ask…and I am always prepared with my response: I’m sorry…did you ask me if I had an “extra” cigarette? Then I show my sheepish grin…and say….”Wow, dude…I am SO sorry, I sure DO NOT! In fact, I have never been lucky enough to get a pack with MORE than 20 in it.”
The look on their faces is…so odd….like they are thinking,’ WTF?!’ It takes a second or two and then they can’t help but laugh and tell me how clever that line was…sometimes I will let them even actually have the cig…but I always tell folks that my “premium” tobacco Benson & Hedges Menthols (made by the Marlboro factory) cost nearly $8.00 USD a pack. I tell them if they cannot furnish their own smoking materials (because they almost always need a light after bumming the cig) then they don’t need to smoke..that they don’t have the addiction, quit while its early.
I know, you are thinking I might be a mean old bitch, and actually you would be half right…just a mean bitch who gets a real kick out of messing with the minds of the dum-dums who dare to approach me in the first place….LOL!
Hey but in Queensland, AU I ran out of cigs before the trip was over and nearly fell over when I was told I owed $16 for a pack of “Alpines”…BUT…I discovered that the pack had 10 EXTRA cigarettes in it!
Kid, don’t start up, ok? Stick to a nice Reisling or Merlot.
Heh heh. I actually bought a packet of my own fags for a gig this weekend though. (£8.20!!!! That must be about $16 USD, no?) Felt guilty I guess, but also full of self-loathing after I’d finished them. I fully intend to stick to the vino. Especially with smokers like you out there 😉
Oh my! You mean, I ‘guilted’ you into being a real smoker? Wow. That’s a lotta dough for a nasty, guilty pleasure…yes, I agree, stick to the wine!
As a reformed smoker myself, I have zero tolerance for the evil weed. But if it’s something you gotta do, do it. Hopefully it will be a phase in your grieving process and not leave you with a lasting addiction. As for the wine, well….I can relate. We all struggle with the balance between living on the edge and staying healthy. Santé!
Hi MELewis. Increasingly I find that most people are struggling with the balance as you say. (Especially on the booze front). Sante indeed mon amie!
Stopped for twenty years, now don’t give a shit, stupid, tempting providence, soooo down, five years, gets worse, when does it get better ?…. ever!…..