Fringe on the Royal Mile 2011 061 (Photo credit: byronv2)
The problem with housework is that it is so unfathomably tedious, it gives the mind an opportunity to wander blithely into that hinterland known as ‘Bad Thoughts’.
And as if on cue, today, whilst scrubbing round the u-bend, my mind got snaggled on a particularly thorny subject.
Loss.
Yes, I’ve lost M. But I’ve also lost the future we had planned together.
(Not that we had much planned actually, except to grow old together, laughing at that Channel 4 Arts Correspondent, whilst continuing to call each other Pet and Buble.)
One thing we had planned though, was to have another child – a sibling for our daughter.
Those who become embroiled in the complicated world of conception know that there is a ‘moment’ during the month in which all systems must absolutely go – you have a thirty second window before the egg explodes and the sperm shrivels or something. So that was our window, the night He died.
We’d lost a baby in the September. (Like grief, that’s another taboo subject, so DON’T tell anyone I’ve told you). I still think about that baby – it would be fifteen months old now, no doubt ginge like the first one, no doubt causing me endless worry about its blue shit. I mourn for it because of what it has come to represent – loss, on so many levels.
Yes, in theory I’m not too old to have another baby. But I don’t want any other baby – I want HIS baby. And I am eternally grateful for the baby of His I already have.
But today, whilst on at the u-bend, I thought about my siblings – the one whose sole purpose it is to make me laugh and the one who is my best friend – and I felt like a right git for denying my daughter those relationships.
The lesson? As I always suspected – DON’T do housework.
Wife After Death 
Oh god everytime I read your post I feel so sad that your time was so short with the one you loved so much. I feel blessed that I had more years with my husband. I too had a bad day .. Not with my U-bend but with my rose bush I’m no gardener.. ian was the alan titchmarsh of the family but I decided that I had to cut back the bushes ‘so to speak’ and I;ve made a right mess. We have new neighbours and I swear they wont stay long.. Everytime i’m out there wielding shears and ‘loppers; i’m wailing out loud saying ‘I cant do this anymore’ It’s not my job and it doesn’t help that bloody demon dog wants to eat leaves shrubs and shears so I’m yelling at him too They never knew me when I was sane, so I feel quite offended when they don’t speak to me as they walk past because im really not so bad. Its just a phase I think xx
Oh Lynne I know what you mean. ‘They never knew me when I was sane’. YES. However, you probably come across more sane than you think. And anyway, what IS sane? Everyone’s fucking nuts as far as I can see. See comment from MELewis on this thread – I think it’s a good one. Love to you. (and demon dog. Eeek!) X
Any mindless activity is good for letting your mental shit bubble forth. Keep frothing! You need to let this stuff out. But then: change the music. I am struggle with this all the time. To change the inner voice that judges, criticizes, sees catastrophe around every u-bend…and turn that into a positive force. Keep the reflections coming. They are doing you (and many others) immense good!
Great and strengthening perspective MELewis. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Merci mille fois!
Gonna’ say amen to this…spot on!
Thanks for reading and the comment Lori! Gotta keep truckin’! XX
Just came across your blog after seeing a link back from my Flickr stream. Sorry to read of your loss, losing someone vital to your life is a pain that never really goes away, and it changes how you see what used to be special days like birthdays, mother’s day, father’s day, Christmas and lines them with a sad edge. Finding good reasons to be happy can be harder some days than others, but thank goodness there usually are some. Glad my Fringe photo was some use to you 🙂
Hey Joe, thanks so much for stopping by and for your lovely words! And also for allowing use of your photo – I give Matthew Cain some shit on this blog, but I love him really – and your photo captures him beautifully! Hope to find more of your pix through this. xX
I really relate to this we were discussing trying for #2 and 3 of my immediate family members are pregnant so it’s a constant reminder of what we’ve lost. Of course the biggest loss is my husband but more babies was part of that package xx