I Should Be So Lucky


Waiting for his homies to arrive

In an echo of Kylie Minogue’s seminal hit, I did, today, feel Lucky. In Love.

(And in life, actually, but Minogue clearly didn’t feel inclined to go that far.)

The feeling of good fortune started when I was walking the dog last night. I passed a row of bungalows for the elderly and in one of the windows sat an old man, just staring out. I smiled and he smiled back.

I looked into the room where he was sitting and saw he was alone. There was no TV lighting up the corner, no cat curled on the windowsill.

It made me consider the gut-wrenching loneliness I feel on a daily basis since M has died. And it is gut-wrenching – a physical sensation of someone ripping out my guts. (And I should know – I had a Caesarean).

At least, I thought, I’m going back the loving arms of my daughter and the enthusiastic leg-humping of my dog. I am physically well and able to visit friends. I have enough money in my pocket for a bottle of wine when I need one. (Essential, according to advice from my grandpa).

I wondered about the old man. Clearly I could have been jumping to conclusions – he might well be the Peter Stringfellow of the village party scene, just waiting for his homies to turn up. But more than likely, he wouldn’t see another face until the postman arrived tomorrow afternoon.

Today,  I feel lucky to have met M, and privileged that He chose me to spend His short life with. I feel blessed that I experienced love like that – tender, respectful, intense, to the exclusion of all others.

We had just ten years, and hell, I feel cheated and enraged at it being so savagely cut short. But some people don’t have that in a lifetime.

I guess you’ve got to count your blessings while you can.

14 thoughts on “I Should Be So Lucky

  1. You sure as hell made those years count, like u say some people don’t have what u guys had in a lifetime and it was lovely to watch you together, like two peas….xx

  2. Your blog is so moving, I can feel your loss and the pain associated with it. As a new blogger I feel similarly about blogging, sometimes ideas just come to you and it cathartic to get them down and share with whoever is interested.

  3. Never a truer word spoken. I often count my blessings especially when I feel like I can’t possibly live my life without him. I try and focus on the good times we had and how he enriched my life. I try not to think of the last few years of endless hospital stays and the suffering and lack of quality of life he had after going thro so much. I thank god for the love and support of my children and the rest of my family who I know worry so much about me. I do not however thank my dog who is still driving me nuts. I can associate with the leg humping. He’s 8 weeks for gods sake does it not stop when he’s had his bits off? I’m off on holiday soon with my daughters and son in law but I intend to plague Rachael when I’m back for a get together. Not sure when she’s off to France. I’m planning on drying out this week preparing my body for the onslaught off tequila. I’m not looking forward to either !!

    • I also try not to think about the suffering He went through. He was such a positive soul and treated each day as a gift. Glad you are getting away with your girls. If this is the first time you’ve been away, prepare for tears: it’s a weird one, being away for the first time without him. Keep your girls close. And sadly, the humping doesn’t stop after ball removal. It has waned slightly though…Keep the faith!! XX

  4. It will be my first time and the tears began when I had to get my own suitcase down full of memories and mouldy lilo’s. Im not looking forward to it at the moment I know everything will be difficult. I just hope I don’t try their patience. I’ve told them I will need some alone time. I think we all understand the need for space. I hope we get Wi-Fi in the hotel I was just telling a friend today how much reading your experiences have helped me with my own. When you’re looking after someone terminally ill you know that there are others out there going through the same experiences, but Ian and I were quite private people and I never really got involved with any groups as I just dedicated all my time to him as I knew our time was limited and when he chose to end his days at home I felt more isolated. Rachael helped me more than any counselling, even though she’d never think she did. I think it was just her friendly manner, never really felt like Nurse and patient the way she helped Ian just the personal touch and her sense of humour kept me afloat when I felt all at sea. She’s just a tonic. Anyway keep it going xx

    • God love, I feel for you. I felt the same, even thinking about what to take was a strain. And I was a miserable bastard the first few days, seriously I was, I ended up apologising to my mum and her partner (with whom I travelled) for my glum demeanour. Fortunately they love me, as your girls love you, and they understood and wouldn’t accept apologies. Every step is a battle – but it is a step. GOOD LUCK. To say ‘Enjoy’ is too glib – but know you’re not alone. XX

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