“The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday…”
For me, it was 8.15pm on an idle Saturday, but Mary Schmich’s advice to the Class of ’97 has stayed with me since I first heard it read by Baz Luhrmann in his song ‘Sunscreen’.
And I continue to be blindsided on this road I’m on; ambushed by grief when I least expect it.
Last night in the pub, M’s mother showed me a photograph she had on her phone. It was of M when He was in hospital in 2008, 21 days after His emergency heart surgery. He was smiling (He was always smiling), yet He had the pallor of a man who was seriously ill. He too had been blindsided (6pm on an idle Sunday), when His aorta ruptured, spontaneously and inexplicably at the age of 33.
Seeing the picture, I fell apart. Right there in the pub, dirty great tears plopping into my Rioja! (To be fair, it wasn’t a particularly good vintage).
And I couldn’t stop. His mother desperately implemented her tried-and-tested ‘grief diversionary tactic’ – that is, to begin a conversation about their bathroom extension – but this time it didn’t work. The grief would not be vanquished! My lip wibbled like Sue-Ellen Ewing on speed, and we had to sup up before the barmaid threw us out for upsetting the emotion-free equilibrium of the pub. (Being full of North East workmen, it had flat-lined).
Even despite liberal applications of emotional sunscreen, sometimes the just grief gets through.
4 thoughts on “Sunscreen”
Yes it does. Grief is like a thief that sneaks in through a window, or like a fume that seeps through cracks. You’ll be going about your way and BAM! Suddenly a sound, a sight, a smell, a voice, a song lyric….you know why that is? I think it is spirit visiting us, reminding us to remember…and I think spirit stays with us until our tears begin to ebb…if only for a little while. Have you heard of James Van Praagh? I have a lot of his books, but there is one, “Talking To Heaven” that I found gave me some peace. I even attended a special Spirit Circle event last year he gave. Somehow I find hope and some peace in his words. I hope you can get to a peaceful place, find some comfort for yourself…it is so hard.
CJ you are wonderful. This is why it is so valuable writing this blog. I haven’t heard of James Van Praagh but I will definitely seek him out. I am feeling pretty desperate tonight actually. Adrift in a very rocky sea. Your comment has come as something of a life-raft…Thank you. X
My heart breaks for you and others who must find a way up and out of the smothering grief and pain of loss they are mired in. I, too, feel overwhelmed by grief; grief of losing my father, my career, my sense of worth, at times. Depression is an awful thing. I try desperately to outrun it when I can feel it creeping up on me…sometimes I just have to let it win and weather the storm it brings, so I can move on with the hope that tomorrow always brings.
Great way of putting it – you’re trying to outrun it and it catches at your heels. So sorry to hear of your situation. You are clearly fighting the demons yourself. Love and thanks for commenting. X