I switched the TV on the other night and there was Fern Britten in a pair of saucy white jeans, admiring the relative straightness of my Grandad’s runner bean. Which is odd, as my Grandad died over ten years ago.
Of course, on closer inspection it turns out that Fern was on an allotment and the runner bean grower was a bloke who looked just like my Grandad. But the Grandad I knew twenty years before he died, all round-chops and belly-laughs.
And suddenly, at that moment, I yearned for Grandad’s face. It occurred to me that I hadn’t seen it for thirteen long years, and I would never, ever see it again. I wanted to dance cheek-to-cheek with it to Rod Stewart’s ‘I Am Sailing’, like in the picture below.
Sitting on that settee, lips locked round the side of a wine glass, I felt Grandad’s loss deep in my guts. It caused me to think of the other faces I miss. This one, for example. Grandma, who died five days before Mark, and consequently for whom I feel I have never mourned:
And this one: Gran, who died almost a year after Mark:
And Pomps, gone almost six months already:
And then thoughts turned, as they always do, to the face I miss most. Occasionally, as with Fern and the runner bean allotmenteer, I think for one heart-thumping moment that I see it; on a train, in a café, lying on the pillow next to me in the night, surrounded by a fuzz of curly ginger hair.
But when the moment passes, and I’m left to think of it, or stare at it in photographs, it seems inconceivable to me that I will never see it again.
Wife After Death 
Sometine3 it just jumps up and bites you .. :((
With sharp bloody teeth Bernie. You’re right. X
Such a true sentiment xxx
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. X
Oh Lucie, that’s a hard one, and the unfairness of it all strikes again. At least with grandparents you know they had a full life and lived to a good age – they weren’t cut down far too early. Much love my friend xxx
For some reason you went into spam, Fi, and I’ve only just seen your comment! How rude of wordpress! The consolation is, you’re right, that they lived long and well. Still miss em. Love to you. xx
Very moving post and one which I’m sure must have been very hard to write. Doesn’t get any easier does it? Really sorry I’ve not any words of wisdom this time. It just really is crap. Enough said xx
thanks Zoe – no words needed. you’re right – crap. Xxx
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Ah Lucie. At least when you think of grandparents you can remember them with fondness and with memories of lives well lived. Memories of Mark (and G in my case) are always tinged with unfairness that they should still be here. Much love my friend xx
You were in spam again! Are you using a different email?? Love love xx
all I have are virtual warm hugs and my love…though I hope you can feel them and know I am thinking of you. xoxo
I feel ’em, friend. Thank you. X