This week heralds another birthday for me, and this year it’s the big one.
Not the big four-oh; the big uh-oh. I’m officially older than my husband will ever be.
It’s difficult to explain how sad this makes me feel, but on a scale of one to bastardfuckballs, I’m up there with the profanity. Not only did I leave Him behind in 2012 (please forgive me for that, pet), but now I’ve overtaken Him completely. He will never age. The rest of His eyebrow will never go white. He is inexorably frozen in time aged 37.
I can’t help but remember His last ever birthday, just over five weeks before He died. He is pictured here with the cake I made Him. Sadly, having the dexterity of a Dalek in the kitchen, I made too little mixture and the ‘sponge’ ended up being more of a biscuit – and a half measure at that. The poor bastard arrived home from work to it, sitting flaccidly on the chopping board. Even IT was embarrassed. It was supposed to be low fat too as we were both on a diet. As if it could get more pleasure-free.
The great, yet unsurprisingly thing about it though, was that my husband sampled the cake with the gusto of a man who had been presented with a Mary Berry masterpiece.
“Pet, it’s lovely,” he said, washing it down with a swig of tea, from where it had jammed in His gullet.
He placed the remaining quarter in a tin and put it at the back of the kitchen cupboard ‘for later’. And guess what? When the removal men came to package up our belongings from the house five surreal months later, one of them unearthed the tin and found that remaining quarter still secreted within it. I watched him sniff it with disdain, then ask me: “Do you…want to keep this?”
My instinct was to say yes. But I said; “Just chuck it.”
I am seeing in my 39th year with my Dad and my daughter and undoubtedly my dear friend Mr Rioja. As I no longer have need for a diet (note: sudden death of spouse – brilliant for weight-loss folks!) I may even treat myself to a slice of decent cake.
8 thoughts on “The Big Uh-Oh”
Hi. Hang in there and best wishes for your birthday. Does any of this get any easier ? I’m not sure anymore. We just have to learn to cope with this massive hole in our lives and fill it with whatever we see fit. Rioja is my choice at the moment. Love n hugs xx
I can’t see it getting easier Lynne. Hanging in is the only way. Love and Rioja to you. X
Happy Big 4-OH-NO-0 My special friend! It is a beautiful picture that I see here. Of a very happy man. And look at the wonder and delight on little one’s cheeks! PLEASE PLEASE TRY to put yourself in that beautiful memory, of the moment of the picture, your man, and sweet-cheeks beside him…make a wish…only it must be for something HE would wish for you this day. Then hug your daughter and find joy in the memory you all made together in that lovely photo…and for god’s sakes, get a decent cake…one that’s soft enough for your aging teeth to manage…lol! Loving hugs to you…Xx CJ xX
Ha! Not THAT aged yet – I’m turning 38, so my teeth may just withstand a hard cake. But yes, I’ll get a decent one… Thanks for your gorgeous words. Lovely response to the picture. Love to you too. X
How in hell did I get the idea you were 40? Oh my…so sorry. Well from what I have seen of you, 38 must be the new 30. That or maybe I’d better see if these eyes need new lenses? Bah!
Please forgive me that I thought you were hitting 4-omg,really?-0.
CJ (the girl with the myopic mouse)
I forgive a myopic mouse anything! Hugs x
The anniversary days are little checks on a mental calendar (first Christmas, first birthday, second Christmas, second birthday) so make what you can of it. Cheers and maybe enjoy 2 slices of cake! ❤
Now that WOULD be indulgence! Thanks for message and for reading. X