Desperado

Peaceful Easy Feeling

Peaceful Easy Feeling (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I think He’s trying to contact me via the medium of Radio Two.

It could be worse I guess – Smooth FM or the jazz channel. But the point is, I’ve listened to the radio just three times since He’s been gone, and each time it seems to talk directly to me.

I tuned into Chris Evans a few months back and what was he about to play? Heart of Gold by Neil Young. The song played at M’s funeral and one of His all time favourite tracks.

A month ago, I was driving to work and forgot to bring a CD for the car. Cue Steve Wright in the Afternoon (I know, I know, but even he’s preferable to silence, in which Bad Thoughts might pervade.)

Every single tune (there were six in a row) was significant – from Peaceful Easy Feeling by The Eagles (one of ‘our’ songs) to Hurt by Johnny Cash. I was so freaked out I ‘listened again’ when I got home to see if I knew the person who had chosen the songs – and that’s akin to torture when it’s Steve Wright.

Yesterday, I caught Jeremy Vine just in time for the debate on bodies in morgues – the process of ‘collecting them from the community’ to preparing them for the funeral home. I nearly vomited up my lunch.

M loved music, so I guess it wouldn’t be entirely out of the realms of possibility that He would try to communicate over the airwaves. I want so desperately to have a ‘sign’ from Him, I’m prepared to believe anything. Even in the psychic powers of Steve Wright.

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4 thoughts on “Desperado

  1. My friend Rachael who’s a district nurse whom I believe is also a friend of yours advised me to read your blog as it would help me as I recently lost my young husband after a long illness and although she only came round today to see me and told me of this I am enthralled at the similar thoughts we share. I also have just bought a cockapoo who is driving me insane. I find I am starting to open my bottle of wine earlier every night or I will kill him. I have left him momentarily but I can hear him as if ive abandoned him in the wild. I look forward to reading more when I crawl into bed later. x

    • Hiya Lynne – so sorry for your loss. Rach did mention you and I know she was very fond of your husband. Maybe we should get together and walk our cockerpoos! Yours will settle down (moderately) I promise. I got mine when he was 10 weeks and was having similar misgivings to you in the beginning but I’m so pleased I’ve got him now. It’ll take your mind off the grief if nothing else! Sending love to you. (Hope the blog isn’t too much – I’m at 16 months now, which is very different from where I was at your stage – sometimes I think I sound a bit flippant but I don’t know how else to express it.) XX

      • I don’t think you sound flippant at all. Infact I’ve sent your blog details to my daughters saying how brave I think you are and how strong you sound even though you probably don’t feel that way yourself. I know I put on a brave face all of the time when people say ‘how are you?’ I retort with ‘I’m fine!’ When really I’m dying inside but won’t show it to the outside world. Maybe we could meet up at Rachael’s sometime. I absolutely adore her. She was so good with Ian. When you feel so helpless and need others to assist you it was so comforting to me and Ian when she turned up at our house. I just remember thinking ‘oh thank god it’s Rachael today. Anyway. I must go as I’m reading your blog backwards and I’m only at may as bloody dog has drove me nuts tonight. Hope to see you soon xx

      • Thanks for the vote of confidence and for following my inane ramblings! Glad they are resonating in some way. It’s such a lonely old business this, I get great strength from others in the same situation. Rach has also been an extraordinary source of support to me – we should def all get together. Can’t wait to meet that troublesome hound of yours 🙂 X

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