It’s hard not to feel the weight of the loss of one’s dead husband at a gathering where everyone is in couples. I have just come home from a night with some lovely friends, none of whom make outward shows of their togetherness (unlike those nauseating types like M and I used to be, kissing at every opportunity to the point where people would say ‘get a room!’). But the odd thing slips out which makes the widow in me lurch to the fore and shout ‘Taxi!’
The order for takeaway food tonight is a case in point.
“Let’s work out what each couple owes,” someone said.
It was fourteen pounds per couple. And seven pounds for me. I was number eleven in the group. The odd one out. I realise that divorcees may feel like this, or single people. But whether you loved or hated your ex-partner, or long for a meaningful relationship, the emptiness of the feeling of your partner having once been there – and the vacuum of the space that they once occupied – is so devastating, the only thing to do is pour another tumbler-full of Rioja and hand over the money.
I miss Him tonight. To me, He was so vivid in that group, I could see Him, sitting with the guys, riffing on the guitar.
I just wish it wasn’t Forever.
2 thoughts on “Number 11”
I lost my Husband of only 10 short months (4 years courting) just six weeks ago and have started reading your blog from the beginning. This post in particular has struck a cord with me as last night I attended one our best friends engagement party. There were 11 of us. 10 being in a relationship, me being on my own. Everyone said I was ‘so brave’ for going but I wanted to go for my friends. After only six weeks I realise it was too soon but I knew it was a hurdle I would always have to get over at some point. We loved going out with ‘our gang’ as we referred to ourselves. I sat at the table with the girls and looked over at the guys chatting and laughing all clutching a pint of beer and I felt so overwhelmingly sad that Gav wasn’t there. It will never be the same again. He should have been stood there with them, joking with them.
I am also reading your book at the moment and find myself nodding at so many parts. I have found great comfort in the fact that I am not alone, thank you! Sophie xx
Hi Sophie, Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I am gratified that you are finding some comfort here and in the book. I am just so sorry for your loss. Six weeks is no time at all – although it can feel like a lifetime when you think you haven’t seen them in that long. Attending an engagement party too – well done you. You really do need to give yourself a pat on the back for that. I hope you continue to find strength and resources to help you through the coming days, weeks and months. It’s a lonely old place this, but (un)fortunately there are others who truly understand the pain. Keep reaching out. Sending much love, Lucie x